Love at first strike

(there is a love stronger than death; passion deeper than this life)

Watching the movie the Passion of the Christ, i was disappointed to know that we would be starting in the middle of the movie. The retreat facilitators decided for it to be so, so that there would still be time for those who would want to go to confession.

So Jesus was to be scourged. i was shocked! i wasn't prepared for the intensity of the first scene before us. The movie was unique in the way it highlighted the pain Jesus went through before He died. i just can't help it.. the way He was tortured - it was so inhumane.. the sight of blood coming out from His body, the sight of His flesh being torn apart.. the thought of Jesus contracting some kind of tetanus-ic disease because of those unclean metals sinking into His skin.. it was all too morbid for me to see.. but more than that, it was too painful for Him to bear.. It broke Mama Mary's heart to see His son suffer and be humiliated that much.. i was touched when a good distance away from Jesus, she silently asked, "My Son... when, where, how... will You choose to be delivered of this?" Yes, she understood Jesus' mission even before she gave birth to Him.. but now that she is actually witnessing how it all should be done, a mother could never really help but question why can't this be over already.. but then again, God's timing is perfect and He knows when the work is done.

Watching Jesus almost prostrated to the ground, His wrists secured by metals to a pole, blood running out of His body, all my sins and shortcomings kept running through my mind. "How could i have let Jesus down? How could i have been turning down His love for the longest time?"  There were times, i remember, that i would sing praises to Him and shout of His might with all glee... but then there were also times when i carelessly hurt others, there were times when i thought of them badly, there were countless time i haven't been faithful to my prayer time, there were times i thought of my crushes more frequently than i thought of Jesus... i was so ashamed of myself looking at Him there so hurt, physically and emotionally... if i were in His place, with lots of people cursing and humiliating me, i would have had cursed back all the pain, i would have had called my deal with the Father all over... but watching Jesus at the pillar, in His eyes were not the slightest anger. Yes pain was drawn all over His face, but shining in His beautiful eyes were only pure love.

i kept crying the entire time (and i know all the girls in the room cried buckets too)... i just felt that Somebody loves me so much.. the least that i could have done was to thank Him - which, basing from how i've lived my life, i have not really sincerely done..

i thought of Jesus 'til i got to sleep.. i wanted to hug Him.. embrace Him.. He was for me, my true Love, the Lover of my soul, my Savior... He was my Knight in shining armor, my Prince Charming.. ok. i was letting my feelings overtake me again.. i just wanted to hug Him.. all my life i have met people who made me happy and who loved me, but then they also disappointed me sometimes.. but here is Jesus, He.. He has never let me down. He never let anyone down, for that matter. i just wanted to embrace Him for that.. Just let Him appear before me and i'll really hug Him so tight!! :D But then again, that's how it has to be done. i had to hug Him through others. i have to find Him even in the face of people who have hurt me. i had to tell the world of His love. that's the challenge of His love for us, we had to pay it forward..  Because how can i love God whom i do not see, if i do not love my neighbors who i could see, hear, touch?.. 

i wanted to grieve for His sufferings.. i felt so bad, i was thinking it was too late to grieve for Him.. Actually i felt bad about Jesus rising so fast.. i thought, "okay, You may have had risen after i finished grieving for You.."  Because it did not seem so appropriate for me to cry on Friday and then be happy again on Sunday.. in my heart, right now, i still want to be sad.. i don't know, it just felt like i haven't been sad for Jesus that much and that long.. But then again, the devil would be happy for so long had it been more than three days before His resurrection.. ;)

Jesus loved us even before He suffered at the pillar. He loved us even when the Roman soldier struck Him the first time. And He loved us even at the second strike.. the third, the fourth.. He loved us still when people jeered at Him.. He loved us even when He was hanging there, nailed to the cross.. He loved us to His death.. So is it not ironic that some of us choose to love Him not on the first strike, not on the last, but only after His death? to listen to Him after He has gone? And yet for many of us, we still have not decided to love Him.. And so for all of us who have decided to love Him genuinely, and for those who will love Him later or even tomorrow or in the days to come, let us be grateful because He is dead no more. He has risen! Hallelujah!

So kinilig ba ako sa pagmamahal ni Lord para sa akin? Actually, hindi... much more than kilig, i was deeply moved and overwhelmed by His unconditional, unmarred, perfect love for me. His act of love has been done more or less 2000 years ago, but it reaches and finds not only me but each one of us. His love is just so deep and so wide that it covers all of us. That's how God loves.